Proverbs of King Solomon - in the Patter:

Chapter 1 verses 1 - 6

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.                               S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.                                                   S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.                                                          S: Live bugs on backorder. 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces
a 200 feet per minute
descent.                                                                                       S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.                      S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.                                               S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.                               S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.                                                  S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.                                                 S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.                                               S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.                                                             S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be                                                                                                        serious.

P: Target radar hums.                                                                  S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.                                                                   S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on somethin with a hammer.           S: Took hammer away from the midget.

It never stops…..I mean….NEVER. The attack on Christianity is relentless- NOW you can’t read.

Amber Mangum was a frequent reader during lunch breaks at her Prince George’s County middle school, silently soaking up the adventures of Harry Potter and other tales in the spare minutes before afternoon classes.

The habit was never viewed as a problem- not, a lawsuit alleges, until the book she was reading was the Bible.

A vice principal at Dwight D. Eisenhower Middle School in Laurel last month ordered Amber, then 12, to stop reading the Bible or face punishment, according to a lawsuit filed Friday by Amber’s mother. The lawsuit, filed in U.S. District Court in Greenbelt, alleges that the vice principal’s actions violated the girl’s civil rights.

She was reading on her own time….in her own space- and not during class. Minding her own business…not bothering ANYONE! So what’s the problem? What in the name of JESUS is going on?

Why do civil liberties only apply to Muslims and Secularists? You can bet if the girl had been reading the Koran….the ACLU, CAIR, and half the Arab world would be THREATENING the school.

And the Vice Principal would’ve been fired, and living in fear.

They've brought you up-to-date, Lord, down at St. Cecelia's,
They've pensioned off the organ, and they're praising with guitars,
They've done it for the young ones :- We want to bring them in,
But I wish that they could worship without making such a din.

For I'm growing rather deaf, Lord, and when there's all that noise,
It gets so very hard, Lord to hear your loving voice.
They've written brand new hymns, Lord, with tunes that I don't know,
So I hardly ever sing now, though I did love singing so.

They're very go-ahead, Lord, they're doing "Series Three",
But the words are not so beautiful as the others used to be.
They've modernised the Bible, the Lord's prayer, - and the Creed,
When the old ones were just perfect, and filled my every need.

My mind's not quite so agile as it was some years ago,
And I miss the age-old beauty of the words I used to know.
It's very clear to me, Lord, that I've overstayed my time.
I don't take to change so kindly as I did when in my prime.

But it can't be very long now before I'm called above,
And I know I'll find you there, Lord, and glory in your love.
So till then I'll stick it out here, though it's not the same for me,
But while others call you "You" Lord, do you mind if I say "Thee"?

The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week.

He went as far as to accuse Bill's employees of having a key to the boxes and ripping him off. Bill just couldn't believe that his people would do that, so they setup a camera to catch the thief in action. Well, they did catch him on film!

That's a bird sitting on the change slot of the machine.

The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get to the money!

And you thought you heard of everything by now!! !!

That's three quarters he has in his beak! Another amazing thing is that it was not just one bird -- there were several working together. Once they identified the thieves, they found over $4000 in quarters on the roof of the car wash and more under a nearby tree.

And to think the phrase "bird brain" is associated with being dumb

We wont have a Christmas This Year...Poem read by Alastair Ross at the service on 24th December 2006

Read the full poem

So the man cried out in despair, Touch me God, and let me know you are here."
......Whereupon God reached down and touched the man...
.But the man brushed the butterfly away and walked on.

God is always with us in the little things that we take for granted...even in the electronic age.

The man cried God, “I need your help”
......And an e-mail arrived reaching out with good news and encouragement. But the man deleted it and continued crying.

Don't miss out on a blessing because it is not packaged in the way you expect.....Expect the unexpected.

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family bible to
her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything
breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to
his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have
enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's
still out there in your pockets."

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

At a fund raising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled
children,the father of one of the students delivered a speech that
would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the
school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question:

"When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature
does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things
as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do.
Where is the natural order of things in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe,that when a child like Shay,
physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an
opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it
comes, in the way other people treat that child."Then he told the
following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay
knew were playing baseball. Shay asked,"Do you think they'll let me
play?"

Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone
like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son
were allowed to play, it would give him a
much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted
by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if
Shay could play, not expecting much. The boy looked around for
guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the
eighth inning.

I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in
the ninth inning."

Shay struggled over to the team's bench put on a team shirt with a
broad smile and his Father had a small tear in his eye and warmth in his
heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the
bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still
behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played
in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously
ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his
father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning,
Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the
potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next
at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance
to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit
was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat
properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing the other
team putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few
steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to
make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.
The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly
towards Shay.
As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground
ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over, but the pitcher picked up the soft
grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would
have been out and that would have been the end of the game.

Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right
over the head of the first
baseman, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands
and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in
his life had Shay ever ran that far but made it to first base. He scampered
down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"

Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming
and struggling to make it to second base. By the time Shay rounded
towards second base, the right fielder had the ball, the smallest guy on
their team, who had a chance to be the hero for his team for the first time.

He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag,
but he understood the pitcher's intentions and he too intentionally threw the
ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third
base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward
home.

All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay"

Shay reached third base, the opposing shortstop ran to help him and
turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third!
Shay, run to third" As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams
and those watching were on their feet were screaming, "Shay, run home!
Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who
hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.

That day, said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face,
the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity
into this world.

Shay didn't make it to another summer and died that winter, having
never forgotten being the hero and making his Father so happy and coming
home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

A wise man once said every society is judged by how it treats
it's least fortunate amongst them.
May your day, be a Shay Day,sunny today tomorrow & always!

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane
Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this Happen?"
(regarding Katrina)
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She
said,"I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for
years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of
our government and to get out of our lives.
And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How
can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we
demand He leave us alone?"
In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I
think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her
body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools.
And we said OK.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible
says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor
as yourself.
And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they
misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we
might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We
said an expert should know what he's talking about.
And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they
don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill
strangers,their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it
out.
I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."
Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the
worlds going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but
question what the Bible says.
Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like
wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people
think twice about sharing.
Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through
cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and
workplace.
Are you laughing?
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what
they WILL think of you for sending it.
Funny how we can be more worried
about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.
Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no
one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't
sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.

"Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there."

---

READ THIS. LET IT REALLY SINK IN. THEN CHOOSE.

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say.

When someone would ask him how he was
doing, he would reply,

"If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today.

You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood.

I choose to be in a good mood."

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it

I choose to learn from it.

Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices.

When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice.

You choose how you react to situations.

You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line:

It's your choice how you live your life."

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business.

We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied,

"If I were any better, I'd be… twins Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices

I could choose to live or...I could choose to die.

I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
He continued, "...The paramedics were great.
They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared.
In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to
take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. She asked if I was allergic to anything.

'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited d for my reply.

I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."

Over their laughter, I told them,

"I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.

Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.

After all, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

You have two choices now:
01. Forget about this.
02. Learn from it and forward it to the people you care about.

You know the choice I made.

Thanks to Marion for sending this one which will be meaningful to many - especially if you can the remember the Andrews Liver Salts Advertisement !

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE ? ? ?

Please send this to everyone you know
because

I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO ! !

7 Reasons not to mess with children!

"These are just way too funny to keep to myself. Hope you enjoy them."

___________________
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him. "

___________________

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
___________________

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

___________________

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

___________________

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "

___________________

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

That's right, there's no getting out of it this time!
This is the start of a full-scale Hug O' War! Send a hug to everyone you know!
Hug your friends, your enemies, everyone!
The hug is my favorite sign of affection.
It can mean so much, and many things at the same time.
It can be a sign of love, friendship, comfort or anything.
So here you go. All I can say it will do is brighten someone's day. I
mean, we all need a hug once in a while. So send this on if you'd like, to anyone who may need a hug.

Goodness knows, we could all REALLY use a tight hug sometimes.

Are You Jesus?

A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago. They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night's dinner.

In their rush, with tickets and briefcases, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of baskets of apples. Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking back, they all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly missed boarding.

All BUT ONE, who paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned.

He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor.

He was glad he did.

The 16 year old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her, no one stopping, and no one to care for her plight. The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them into the baskets, and helped set the display up once more. As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket.

When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, "Here, please take this $20 for the damage we did. Are you okay?"

She nodded through her tears. He continued on with, "I hope we didn't spoil your day too badly."

As the salesman started to walk away, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, "Mister...." He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes. She continued, "Are you Jesus?"

He stopped in mid-stride, and he wondered. Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: "Are you Jesus?"

Do people mistake you for Jesus?

That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace.

If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting Scripture and going to church. It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day.

It takes hard work, commitment and effort from each party involved to keep a relationship alive!
Treasure the gift God has given you in your family, with friends and colleagues

Have a good day

Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Adam & Eve ...up-to-date
As usual for a man, Adam thought that he was driving perfectly, so he became a bit peeved at the some of Eve's comments on how he could be doing better.
Drawing into the side of the road he turned to her and asked.    "How did God come to make you so beautiful but so stupid?"
Quick as a flash Eve retorted.   " He made me beautiful so that you would find me attractive but He had to make me stupid so that I would be attracted to you"

A Grace for the Visitors..Oops
Following a great sermon on lifestyle evangelism one family thought they had better do something to witness to Jesus. So they invited their neighbours to dinner the following Friday night.

When it came to the meal, the hostess was keen to show their neighbours that they upheld Christian standards in their home.

So she asked little 5 year old Johnny to say grace.

Little Johnny was a bit shy. "I don't know what to say" There was an awkward pause, followed by a reassuring smile from the boy's mother.

"Well darling," she said, " just say what Daddy said at breakfast this morning."

Obediently, the boy repeated, "Oh God, we've got those awful people coming to dinner tonight"

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their lives teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6 We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home
one day (or better yet, take care of you if they want any kind of inheritance).

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"

If God had a refrigerator,your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring.

He sends you a sunrise every morning.

Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!

Send this to every "beautiful person" you wish to bless.

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow or sun without
rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and
light for the way.